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tinnitus has consumed my entire life


Message 1 of 21 Next

I have had it for 6 yrs. I have been to 20 different doctors/specialists. I have gone through so much medical testing it is grouling. It wasnt so bad for the first 4 yrs but suddenly worsened for not apparent reason the past 2 yrs. I have been told my many doctors I have one of the most severe cases they have seen. I lost my job, many relationships, weight. I suffer with vertigo, anxiety, panic attacks, a small amount of depression but mostly frustration. I am a zombie most of the time due to medications which I have become addicted to. At one point they had me on Prednizone, Xanax, Ambien and Zoloft. I was so crazy I got in a big fight with by boyfriend and he broke up with me. I got mad at the doctors and decided to quit taking everything. Well 3 days later I ended up in the hospital because I had a massive seizure. I went to a clinic and detoxed for 5 days but eventually the ringing was unbareable and back on meds I went. Because I am on disability and now have medi-cal all of the specialists I was seeing would not see me anymore because they dont accept medical. So back to square one I went but it ended up being a godsend. For once someone told me I have every right to feel the way I do. My Dr is genuine and immediately refered me to a behavioral specialist. This was my first experience in accepting that I have a disability after so many years of fighting it. My problem now is no one understands, they think I'm fine and dont understand. I dont even understand. Which is the worse of 2 evils, meds or sleep deprevation. Both are maddening. On my doctors advise to help with some of my anxiety I am now taking Massage Therapy classes to become a certified Massage Therapist. I am learning alot about my body and recognizing stress. But after 6 yrs I have to admit I have lost all hope. I have always tried & have never been a person to give up but guess what, I am at that point now. I never have contimplated suicide but I often wonder when I cross over will I still have the ringing? All I want to do is sleep. My mother passed 4 yrs ago and she was a phsycic and said God is trying to tell me something but I am not listening. I have prayed so much about it to please spell it out in big black letters and put it in front of my face, whatever it is I will do it if the ringing will just stop. I know I have taken up alot of your time. If you have any ideas, or know of any sponsorship programs for TRT training please advise. Many doctors (including the leading specialist in USA) have told me that that is my only hope but medi-cal and even private insurance doesnt cover it. So because I am poor I have to suffer. Why? Thank you for your time, if you choose to respond I would appreciate it.


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